I started thinking about the first dates I’ve been on, and thought I’d share The Worst First Date of All Time (not just MY worst ever first date, but the worst first date that anyone in the world has ever been on). I assure you I have not exaggerated or made up a single detail.
Back a few years ago, when I was living in Montreal, our downstairs neighbour was obsessed with me. And I honestly don’t know why, because while I’m generally pretty awesome, there was no way he could have known this, as every conversation we ever had consisted of him talking a million miles an hour AT me (sometimes in French, and I couldn’t understand his accent at all) and me smiling and nodding.
One day, I returned home from studying and he was outside. Excited to see me, he begged, “let me take you for a drink!”
I declined. I was hungry.
Him- “I’ll take you for dinner!”
Me- “I… can’t… I… said I would cook for my flatmate?”
Him- “She can come too!”
Out of excuses, I went upstairs to beg my flatmate for an excuse but she was no help- “just go, get a free dinner, how bad could it be?” WELL.
He and I went to dinner. The next indication of the nightmare this date would become was when he told the waitress, “This is our first date. The first of MANY!” I think I threw up in my mouth a little. The actual dinner part was okay- I was able to eat in peace while he bothered the couple next to us in French the whole time, pausing occasionally to gaze adoringly at me. At one point, he mentioned that he and I should go to this Auto Show being held. I had seen the commercials for it and thought it was in a couple weeks, so I dismissed it, “yeah, we should go some time.”
Oh no, not *some time*. That night. So he dragged me to an AUTO SHOW. I’m not sure this even needs clarifying but no, I do not have any interest whatsoever in cars. I began wondering if this was actually my life, trailing him through endless show rooms of cars, as he oggled and drooled over every single one. “Which one is your favourite? Do you like this car? What about this one?” I DON’T CARE. One of the car models noticed me rolling my eyes and staring in disbelief and laughed at me. I swear we were there for 3 hours. I just didn’t know how to get out. I did actually consider RUNNING AWAY while his back was turned and pretending that I had gotten lost.
Finally we left. I thought the date was over. Oh no, he wanted to go DANCING. No, no, absolutely not.
“I can’t- I have this party I have to go to.”
“I love parties! Let’s go!”
“Uh, yeah… I dunno, it’s for this women’s club I’m a member of.” (READ: Man-hating femi-Nazis)
“Cool! Sounds fun!”
” AND WE HAD TO GET TICKETS BEFOREHAND AND IT IS DEFINITELY SOLD OUT”
“I’m sure you can…”
And I got out of the car. Thankfully he didn’t try to kiss me. I had to be very, very careful answering my phone and leaving/ coming home for a few weeks afterwards.