The First Date Only Project

Guys with girlfriends / Guys with ex-wives May 11, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Firstdateonly @ 12:05 pm
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1.  I’ve got a bit of a moral dilemma. I’ve received a response to my last Craigslist post… well, I’ve received over 60 again… many of which seem to have mass emailed every single girl on there. Umm, did you even read my ad? Didn’t think so. Also, side note: have gotten responses from at least 10 of the same people who responded to my original First Date post. Including Beardy McIrishman. I did not respond.

ANYWAY, long side note there, but speaking of Irish guys… so I received a response from an Irish guy, who lives in Ireland but comes to London frequently for work, he wants to meet up for a drink because he gets bored here. There seem to be a lot of “I’m only in town for the weekend/ would like someone to show me around London” types. Normally I don’t respond to those because I definitely get a “creeper looking for an escort” vibe from them. But, I’m a sucker for Irish guys, so I responded, cynically asking him what it was he was looking for. Not surprisingly, he’s got a girlfriend. He assures me he’s not looking for a London-side booty call or anything of the sort, but that I sound funny (he does too, being Irish) and it might be nice to just have a beer.

I am morally torn about this. On the one hand, I am really not into going anywhere near guys with girlfriends. On the other hand, I’ve certainly got plenty of unavailable male friends with whom I have a great time and there isn’t any funny business. Is it at all possible that maybe he does just want a drinking buddy while he’s in town? Or am I just being uncharacteristically naive because I really do love Irish guys?

2.  Dilemma #2 : divorced guys. The tall guy wants to see me a third time. I’ve mentioned this before, yes, but we chatted online yesterday and I coyly told him we couldn’t because of “the rules”. He may have logic-ed me into it- saying we could just meet up for a NETWORKING drink, as two people in the same line of work, and that it wouldn’t be a date and we wouldn’t have sex so it wouldn’t be breaking the rules. Flawless arguments.

I can’t decide whether I should, regardless of “the rules of my project” and all that. On the one hand, I like him, and it’s good harmless fun. On the other hand… he is recently divorced. Being only 25, I’ve never dated a divorced guy before. But I am very, very wary of Guys With Ex Issues. The last guy I dated had recently gotten out of a 10 year relationship (so he might as well have been married), and clearly wasn’t over that. A few others have seemed to never have gotten over former breakups, or had an ex lurking around in the background waiting to pounce. Obviously, at this point I certainly would expect a guy to have some exes, but I don’t know how to sort through the Normal Guys With Exes and Guys With Ex Issues. I am pretty sure Tall Guy falls into the latter category. I’ve certainly never been with anyone for anywhere near 11 years, but I reckon it takes more than 2.5 seconds to get over it. And I am pretty sick of being a rebound.

SO, I can’t decide if either of these are an issue in the context of this experiment. The whole point is for me to enjoy dates and have no expectation whatsoever of it going anywhere. I probably shouldn’t go out with Tall Guy for a third time (though, as he expertly argued, it wouldn’t be a *date* as such). And I can’t decide if meeting a guy with a girlfriend is just asking for trouble.

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10 Responses to “Guys with girlfriends / Guys with ex-wives”

  1. Very hard questions to answer. I will try to give my 2 cents (otherwise, what else is a commenter for? ;))

    1. If you are only going on one date, and keep it to just one, then I don’t see the problem of meeting up as just a friend. As long as he is clear that that is all it’s going to be and keeping it at that. But if he comes frequently for work, why does he not have some work buddies or guy friends to meet?

    2. As someone who is divorced, I’d say it takes a good long while for anyone to get over a divorce (no matter what they tell you). How long has it been for him? I’m about a year and a half out and I still have blatant commitment issues. I did date though, but only casual dating. I think this guy might like you bc he knows it’s short term. He knows you’re not looking for anything long-term (as stated in project), so might think it’s a perfect solution. But if you’re not, then don’t go! Good luck 🙂

  2. Stephanie Says:

    I’d be a bit weary of the guy with a girlfriend. Unless he’s telling her that he is looking to meet up with a random female internet friend in London b/c he’s lonely, it is slightly sketch. He’s going behind her back in a way, even if there is no sexual-ness involved. I’m just not sure you want to travel down that road.

    The divorced guy concerns me much less. Maybe he isn’t over his ex wife, but maybe he is. I think with the whole ex situation you never really know whether they’re hung up on it or not until you’ve had a chance to spend some time and discuss it with them. Til then, no sense assuming the worst.

  3. LB@30: I was hoping you’d respond given that I know you’re divorced and I appreciate the input. I think you’re probably totally right about his intentions, which is perfectly understandable, but I think I’ll give it a miss.

    In fact, I think I’m going to say no to both. I don’t really *need* to go out with either, and I might as well use this opportunity to get better about being pickier!

  4. also- stephanie: valid point about the Irish guy. Even if he is just looking for a friend, it’s a bit off. If I had a boyfriend, I certainly wouldn’t want him going away for the weekend and meeting up with randoms from Craigslist.

  5. I’m going to be controversial.

    1. He’s fessed up to having a gf – to be honest, he didn’t have to, did he? If you can just have a drink and a laugh with someone, I don’t think it’s any bad thing.

    2. I think the whole ‘baggage’ issue depends completely on the person. i’ve been divorced twice and had a couple of long-term relationships on top of that – and have never had any ex-issues. I’ve met a lot of blokes who have been more fucked-up by a shorter relationship than ones that are divorced (my other half still hasn’t bothered getting divorced yet, and he was SO over it) 🙂

    When it comes down to it, I think you should never read anything into other people’s situations and purely go on your instincts. Don’t write people off because they have a certain ‘situation’ or tick a certain box that you believe makes them one way or the other – just take them all as individual people and take them at face value.

    If you trust your instincts, you can never have regrets, because you did what you believed was right at the time 🙂

  6. jo Says:

    i just happened to find your blog through mutual blog links and stopped by for a read…

    just my take on this:

    1. given that you met him on craigslist, it’s a bit suspect that he’s on the site looking for random girls to show him around town ‘coz he gets a bit bored there. he probably just ‘fesses up to having a gf so that he doesn’t have to deal with any messy tangles later should the “relationship” with any random girl turn into something more complicated.

    2. divorced guys can be tricky. if you like him enough and don’t mind that he’s divorced then yeah go ahead and date him. though you’re right in that some divorced guys have issues so if you’re concerned that tall guy might have some issues, then yeah, don’t date him. and i don’t quite buy into his whole it’s not a *date*…

  7. Ahh conflicting advice!

    Well, I’ve decided against both of them. Irish guy with a girlfriend a. is bad at grammar and
    b. won’t send me a photo.
    NEXT.

    As for divorced guy, it’s probably better not to enter that territory. He already got 2 dates. Regardless of any of his issues, I am just doing first dates now so his time is up.

    • ha ha – i’d already given my opinion on the grammar – didn’t realise it was the same guy 🙂

      And I agree that your project is ‘first dates only’ – so not having a third date is a very good reason…I just think NOT dating someone because they’re divorced COULD be a little blinkered 🙂

      • Oh god no, it’s not the guy looking to pay me for sex!! No, no, no, no no, no nonononono. hahahha. Nah the Irish guy and I have been chatting a little bit on gchat, but he has a propensity to say things like “chat l8tr”. Dude, you’re 34 years old. Use full words.

      • Jeez – you’re attracting grammar-deficient morons? LOL I’m a stickler for stuff like that. if you’re trying to ‘attract’ someone, put in a bit of effort!!


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