Photo source: The Evolution of the Hipster
I might be a little addicted to writing Craigslist personals. I’ve started cycling to work, and have gotten into the habit of composing them in my head during my nearly hour long commute. I wrote this one the other day.
Let me break your emo heart.
Once upon a time I was a fun and feisty girl in her early twenties, gallivanting around the world and breaking hearts on my path to domination of all men.
Ah, how I miss those days, now that I am tumbling towards my late twenties, my friends are all getting married, and I seem to have switched teams from the heartbreakers to the heartbreakees. There’s nothing better than the feeling of knowing your boyfriend is so in love with you that you will, without a doubt, be the one who ends up giving the “it’s not you, it’s me” talk. And nothing worse than being on the other side, sobbing for him to take you back…
Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to be in a stable, long-term, happy relationship. But having endured a string of not-so-enjoyable breakups that were slightly less than mutually agreed upon, I think I need to get back the old awesome “me” before a “real life” relationship is possible. So I’m looking for a boy who will fall head over heels for me, even slightly obsessively, and who I will almost definitely eventually dump.
1. Skinny, trendy, Shoreditch type. Cycling and skinny jeans are good. Fake hipster glasses I can tolerate. Tattoos are absolutely excellent.
2. Low self esteem. I.e. maybe you spent a good portion of your teen years crying along to Dashboard Confessional. That’s what I’m looking for. CRY EMO BOY CRY. Maybe girls have hurt you in the past- but instead of this making you guarded and “unable to love” this makes you desperate for a girl’s affection (like, for example, me. I promise I will like you and be really sweet to you and give you at least a minimal boost to your ego).
3. You’re age 25-35, not married, live in London. I think this is obvious, but maybe not.
4. It would be great if you had a sense of humour and didn’t write me hate mail for posting this, I should also add.
So, you are probably wondering, why would you put yourself through this? What do you get? Well, first of all, we will have a good time. I’m a great date and a fab girlfriend. I’m cute and funny and really easy to be around, so I’ve been told. Despite all information in the previous paragraphs pointing to the contrary, I’m not malicious or terrible.
We can go to gigs and pubs and drink lots of beer and do Londony stuff and it will be great fun for awhile. And then, once I’ve dumped you, you’ll have some really great material to write poems/ songs/ diary entries about. Think about it. Maybe all you’ve needed all this time to get your band off the ground is a girl like me to break your heart.
Obviously it’s all tongue in cheek and I don’t really intend on meeting anyone from it. To be perfectly honest, I am just a master procrastinator and I like the attention/ responses I get. This ad has been particularly fun, and surprisingly zero hate mail! And actually, there might be a couple potential first dates. I liked this response:
omg you are good….and I mean good….do you realise you have broken my heart already….here I sit sobbing at my keyboard just at the mere act of reading your CL ad………
I can feel the words welling up inside me already……… there’s an estranged organ in my chest…it beats for you …it will not rest…
tissues some body !!! I need tissue’s !!!…this cruel heartless woman has broken my heart and she is laughing….laughing I tell ya, laughing….
hey oh back to the hamster wheel for me to nurse my crushed soul.
It’s pretty clear that there’s a common thread through the posts I’ve written, though… “I suck at relationships wah wah waaaaaaah”. And I use humour to cover the bitter, angry hole in my soul. Hahahha I kid. Sort of. Meh, I’m actually quite enjoying all this. Going on first dates is preventing me from accidentally jumping into another relationship with someone I really oughtn’t be with. My friends have thought most (all) of my previous boyfriends were losers (they were right), but unfortunately my best friends live in other cities (countries, actually) and haven’t been able to prevent me from repeating the same mistakes again and again. Okay, I suppose I could probably take some of the responsibility for my actions and for the guys I choose to date and for not listening to anyone’s advice. I’m working on it. And frankly I’ve realised that this project is probably the best way to force myself to be a bit pickier.